Good identification of marital patterns, but little else | Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can...

Repetitive but worthwhile | Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last | John Gottman

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	• Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last John Gottman Simon & Schuster, 1995 - 240 pages average customer review:based on 47 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Excellent advice!

I thought that this book was excellent in outlining the types of patterns we fall into when we get married. It gave me a positive but realistic outlook on what is going on in my marriage and how I can work on making it better. The author's de-emphasis on deep meaningful communication left me a little unsatisfied. Although I know that letting go of the little things is important, I feel that opening up to your partner is very important in a loving relationship. I like another book that takes this one step further in developing a deep caring relationship. It is called "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato and I highly recommend it to anyone looking to understand and improve his or her relationship.

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Good identification of marital patterns, but little else

The author's ability to communicate his research in the first half of the book may make the book worth a read. He offers a refreshing look into marital styles, as well as problems that can creep into marriages. While this is interesting, the guidance offered for working through these difficulties is weak. The second half of the book, therefore, is not particularly interesting or helpful. My sense was that, at the time of publishing, the author had scientifically identified patterns and interactions in marriages that indicate when they are in trouble, but he had not yet identified methods to help these couples work through these problems. In addition, his identification of some differences between men and women was superficial. He seemed to have little insight into what men are motivated by, think about, or are worried about. Instead, he characterized them as sex-hungry and unable to communicate, with the solution being that women should just accept them that way. Neither the characterization nor the solution was helpful, accurate, or complete.

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Repetitive but worthwhile

This book is very applicable to anyone who is married or about to be, and it is based on scientific research. My main problem : since it is the first book the author wrote for the general public (rather than journals) he tends to treat the reader like a child and repeat every single point 4-5 times! This made the reading go a little slowly. But by skipping a few paragraphs at a time, I learned a great deal about different types of conflict-solving, and have already used my new knowledge in my relationship with my fiance!

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The classic

I go back and reread this book every couple of years-- it is helpful for all sorts of relationships, not just marriage. I always find something new to work on when I read it. And (unlike some other reviewers) I think it's critical that the advice is based on research and not on someone's opinion. Some of what he has found contradicts received wisdom about marriage.

It is a little baffling to me that people turn to books such as Dr. Phil's book on marriage (which cribs pretty liberally from Gottman's work) or that horrible "He's just not that into you" book (which appears to be written for 12 year olds) when Gottman's popular books are just as readable and understandable. And Gottman's work is based on years of studying actual relationships. Also, they are better written.

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