Excellent guide | Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a...

Great info and a great relief. | Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner | Nina W. Brown

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	• Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner Nina W. Brown New Harbinger Publications, 2003 - 180 pages average customer review:based on 16 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

Offers Important Insights - Essential reading for victims

First off - I am grateful to this book for concisely identifying what it is I am dealing with. Regardless of the critics who say "why would you want to stay?" - this book has tremendous value in helping one to identify the various manifestations of narcissism.

This is an important premise of this book - that narcissism is not an all or nothing thing. She posits that - short of the full-blown NPD - there are more subtle shades of "destructive" narcissistic traits. And within these subtle traits are various sub-types. These insights have been very significant for me in that my wife is not a full-blown NPD and most of the reading I have found seems to only deal with the extreme - DSM-defined - personality disorder.

She provides checklists that are very useful in identifying subtle nuanced behaviours. Things I had felt vaguely uneasy about for a long time came into clear focus. She also provided checklists to help identify my 'collaborative' behaviours. This does not, however, have the effect of blaming the victim. Rather it provides some clarity on the previous 'crazy-making' behaviour and my part in that dynamic (for example, as a conciliator and one who tries to anticipate the needs of others - I play right into the hands of my wife's narcissistic tendency's).

The author outlines the various sub-types of destructive narcissists and by understanding my wife's specific 'hungry' narcissistic traits - I now have far better insight and possibly some improved coping skills in dealing. It was affirming to me that some of the 'counterintuitive' coping skills I had already developed (purely as defense-mechanisms) were in fact the kinds of things that were recommended.

Whatever one's ultimate choice is (ie to stay or go) this book will provide invaluable guidance for how to cope with the process and with your partner - now and in the future.

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Excellent guide

Other reviews mentioned the impossibility of having a relationship with a narcissistic person. Though their behavior can be abusive, learning to protect yourself from this abuse when it is unavoidable (a boss, an ex-partner whom you share children with, etc.) is important. Sometimes people, such as myself, choose to continue a marriage with a narcissistic individual. In this case, it is nice to know that you can protect yourself, you can live a life separate from the narcissist while also building on the positive of the relationship. I believe all individuals have good qualities and bad qualities, and really it comes down to what you, as an individual, can put up with.

This book is one of the best ones I've read about narcissistic personality disorder. I am a list person, and this book has lots of great lists to help you see your partner's AND YOUR narcissistic traits (yes, we all have them to some extent). It is a great guide.

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Great info and a great relief.

Find it very helpful. If you want to stay with this partner, it provides a great perspective.

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A helpful and insightful book

This intelligent and well written book makes a complex subject readily understandable. My own experience of people suffering from this personality disorder led me to believe that I was the one at fault, rather than being the 'victim'. When this book describes common traits and patterns, a lot of missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle begin to slot into place. In that sense it provides a vital diagnostic tool to help you understand your own situation. it is also a source of relief. When you begin to understand the nature of the abuse heaped upon you by a self-absorbed person, you can begin to set and enforce boundaries that protect you. The most important aspect of this book is that narcism is not an absolute condition where all narcissistic people exhibit the same degree of self-absorbedness, but a sliding scale. In this sense, the book helps you to understand when a person is truly toxic or whether there is hope. Very firm boundaries rather than absolute rejection can bring such people to get the therapy they need.If there is one thing missing it is a deeper discussion of how people get this way in the first place. Some people view narcism as complete selfishness. It is, but often it results when people through various traumas retreat into their own world. But a good book which i recommend written by an author who knows her stuff.

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With 5 million Americans suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and another 10 million with the less severe syndrome Destructive Narcissistic Pattern, Loving the Self-Absorbed is a timely book. Author Nina Brown gives readers specific steps for limiting the effect of a partner's narcissistic behavior and getting what they need out of the relationship. She explains the five types of "destructive narcissism" and how to recognize their effects on a relationship. Realistic strategies show how to set mutually agreeable behaviors. Because narcissists lack natural empathy, Brown teaches readers how to change their own "fantasy" expectations, create boundaries, learn new "attending behaviors," listen and respond in a self-caring way, and learn when to avoid and ignore especially bad behavior.

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reviews: page 1, 2, 3, 4

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