book: Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them

book: Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them | Holly Weeks ...

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	• Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them Holly Weeks Harvard Business School Press, 2008 - 256 pages average customer review:based on 1 review view larger image
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A "satellite perspective" on how to navigate through "a conversational landscape"

As Holly Weeks explains in her introductory chapter, "This book offers a system of strategies and tactics to help us navigate the treacherous minefields we may suddenly find ourselves in when we approach and try to get through - rather than avoid - prickly conversations. Strategies are the thinking part of these conversations. Balanced strategies replace the blanking out, gut reactions, and other horrors that slip in when conversations turn tough and ordinary thinking fails. Tactics are the handling part - what we do in the moment when our counterparts, or our own emotions, are giving us trouble." I wish I had a dollar bill for each time I have heard an obviously frustrated person complain that what someone else heard was not the intended meaning of what was said. This is perhaps the most common communication failure and perhaps one of the most common causes of what Weeks characterizes as a "prickly" conversation. The material provided in this book may help some readers to communicate their intended meaning more effectively or correct any misunderstandings. "But its true purpose is to help you handle conversations of an altogether greater magnitude." Weeks then goes on to say, "When people carry a combat mentality, as well as painful emotions, into a conversation with unseen problems, goodwill is not enough to prevent damage on both sides." That's why such conversations are -- or can unexpectedly become -- "prickly." In that event, skills are needed "that will make you a better colleague, a better leader, and a better human being." Moreover, these skills must be applicable to whatever the specific circumstances may be.

Throughout her narrative, Weeks cites dozens of real-world situations in which various individuals (whose names but not circumstances have been changed) interact with varying degrees of mutual understanding. Some demonstrate the effectiveness of the skills she recommends; others demonstrate the consequences when lacking such skills. There are important lessons to be learned from each situation. For example, in Chapter 5, "Acting Unilaterally," she explains how to bring self-respect and respect for one's counterpart unilaterally rather than assume that that there is already an atmosphere of trust and mutual respect. In Chapter 8, "Out of Combat," she explains how to formulate in advance a strategy for more than the given topic or issue in dispute ("for how a tough conversation for tough conversation will [or could] play out") to avoid falling back into conversational warfare. On Page 106, she provides an "Emergency strategy for when we're on the receiving end." In Chapter 11, "Out of Emotion's Grip," she explains why finding a middle ground enables one to decide which way to move from the center rather than from emotional extremes. And in Chapter 11, "Out of the Breakdown Gap," she explains how to stop a slide into "disaster-prone patterns" in the situation with a balanced strategy "that is flexible enough to allow for differences between intentions and perceptions on both sides," one that assumes the possibility of being taken by surprise.

My references to "how" are deliberate. Weeks is clearly both an empiricist and a pragmatist. That is, she is a keen observer of what works...and of what does not. The strategies and tactics she recommends carry with them no guarantee of success. However, they offer the substantial benefit of helping her reader to avoid or correct "conversations that go wrong." I highly recommend her book to those who have supervisory responsibilities in the workplace, who have frequent conversations with those for whom they are responsible. Moreover, much of the material can also be helpful to them and to others in their personal lives because the number of "prickly" conversations is probably greater. One final point. It occurred to me as I read this book that there is a substantial value-added benefit: The mindset that Holly Weeks recommends, if viewed as a key to preventive maintenance, could enable those who develop it to significantly reduce (if not eliminate) such conversations by consistently demonstrating self-respect and respect for others when interacting with them on the job, in the home, and elsewhere.

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Your stomach's churning; you're hyperventilating -- you're in a badly deteriorating conversation at work. Such exchanges, which run the gamut from firing subordinates to parrying verbal attacks from colleagues, are so loaded with anger, confusion, and fear that most people handle them poorly: they avoid them, clamp down, or give in.

But dodging issues, appeasing difficult people, and mishandling tough encounters all carry a high price for managers and companies -- in the form of damaged relationships, ruined careers, and intensified problems.

In Failure to Communicate, Holly Weeks shows how to master the combat mentality, emotional maelstrom, and confusion that poison difficult conversations. Drawing on her many years as a consultant and coach to leaders and executives, the author explains:

Why we turn to ineffective tactics when the heat is on
How to avoid the worst pitfalls of difficult conversations, and how to pull yourself out if you fall in
Ways to regain your balance and inject respect into stressful conversations, even when you've been confronted, infuriated, or wronged
Strategies for mitigating aggression and defensiveness, and for clearing the fog of misconceptions
How to get through the hardest conversations with your reputation and relationships intact
Using proven techniques paired with detailed real-life examples, Weeks equips you with the strategies and practices you need to transform even the toughest conversations.

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