Not a loving divorce | A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce

Baldwin reveals systemic problem in divorce courts | A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce | Alec Baldwin

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	• A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce Alec Baldwin St. Martin's Press, 2008 - 240 pages average customer review:based on 14 reviews view larger image
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highly recommended

A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce

When I read this book I felt like I was going thru my custody battle all over again. The judges, lawyers, therapist, social workers and the process couldn't be more accurate. They couldn't care less about your child. It is all about money. The lawyers will spin everything against you in a negative light. Judges don't want to make a decision. You spend thousands to defend yourself. It took me 6 months to prove myself innocent and get my daughter back. This book chronicles everything. Anyone that is preparing for a custody battle must read this book and understand this will happen to them in our courts

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Not a loving divorce

I couldn't put the book down! It's well written and reads like a novel page turner, filled with suspense, intensity of emotions, and drama.

Having just completed a divorce myself as a mother of two where I kept not only the welfare of my girls' future emotional and psychological well-being primary, I also considered with utmost care the feelings of their father that I could no longer stay married to. So this meant that we took our time with mediation, we personally served our papers to one another, and shared in 50/50 joint custody. We agreed to all this and more not only for our children but for our own individual futures. This has kept our family emotionally whole and now a year later are thriving as a new kind of family! Unfortunately, as just one example in the book, this was not the same for Kim Basinger who had Alec Baldwin served with their Separation Papers, which is more a punch to the gut than most women (and men when reversed) realize. How can anyone respond without retaliation, swords drawn and ready for battle? And then, of course, how can one not eventually lose control of one's anger when legal minefields release destruction and anguish at every step along the way. Sure Alec was wrong to hurl such words and accusations at his daughter on the phone, but I can see the path to that call more clearly now. So sad. Oh yes, and BTW, "leaking" that call to the public had to have been horribly painful for their daughter--and all for what? To show Alec as a bad man? Surely there was no consideration whatsoever for the child!

And then the climax of using and abusing the legal system to inflict the parental alienation tactics I think is reprehensible. Unless the target parent is abusive in some way or involved in drugs or crime, I can't think of any justifiable reason to inflict such pain on both the parent and child! To me then what this book represents is more than a legal system where fathers' rights take back seat, and quite obviously that's painfully true, it represents more a world where many mothers (and fathers too) fail to fully comprehend the possible permanent damage they do to their children through their intentional or unintentional Parental Alienation (Syndrome). Sure it's painful and frightening facing a future alone, but our children are NOT our emotional keepers and it's up to us to teach them resilience, strength, and compassion, not manipulation and hate. In the meantime though, I advocate changes to our legal system where children aren't abused in this way!

And so I wonder why we've become so self-absorbed or damaged to not see the obvious manipulations of the divorce legal system that helps to escalate these types of damaging scenarios. I could see it when I visited my first referred barracuda divorce attorney. It was then and there that I decided that a loving divorce was the only ethical and moral journey for all of us. Thank God!

And so we did it and not only is it possible (through hard work), it should be a new norm. I wish Alec and Kim could have enjoyed a loving divorce by doing what became some of our strict tenets which were all based upon the foundations of compassion and empathy: 1) Shun at all cost the temptation to litigate, unless there's no other option, through mediation! 2) Share equal custody with your ex-spouse, keeping ALL parent-child relationships intact, exceptions noted above. 3)And speak kindly of and civilly toward your ex-spouse to your children and others (even if you feel completely the opposite). Otherwise, we're all destined to break not only our promises to ourselves but everyone else in our lives and society. Our country may be falling apart financially because of greed, but let us at least cling to some sort of societal decency where our families aren't destined to a similar demise.

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Baldwin reveals systemic problem in divorce courts

haley177 is absolutely wrong, is either a female or a male who has never gone through a divorce ( at least in CA ). What Baldwin says is right on the mark. I recently read an article about a divorce attorney who changed careers, because he finally realized that he was stoking the anger between husband/wife, who until they went into full-fledged attorney mode, had come to a reasonable agreement between themselves, amicably. My ex hired her Beverly Hills attorneys, and it was most definitely the cause of our inability to forge a post-marriage relationship and has hurt our children. With attorneys, divorce is MEANT to be adversarial, that is how they make their money, and ostensibly make "gains" for their client. When I went to court, my female attorney warned me ahead of time that the judge I was going in front of was anti-father, and would grill me like I had never been grilled before. My ex was able to get a letter she wrote about my family ( whom she never got to know ) admitted into records, her pseudo-psychological review, without question by the court. My mom was already dead, so couldn't defend herself. WTF relevance did that have to anything? That kind of crap made me extremely angry, and I was told I couldn't respond in kind. I think Baldwin crossed the line with that phone call to his daughter, but I do understand the anger and rage that the non-custodial parent ( read 99% men ) feel during the divorce process. Glenn Sacks has made a career out of the disparity in the courts against fathers. It is a sick system, and only ends up draining future college funds from the kids, enraging the NCP, and most importantly, allowing the former spouses to forge a good relationship for the sake of the children. Let's make it as hard to get married as it is to get divorced. Maybe some court hearings on compatibility, what-if scenarios, are you going to have kids, etc. The critical mass of angry and more importantly, very sad fathers, is testimony that this isn't just a bunch of guys pushing blame onto someone other than themselves. I've moved twice to stay close to my kids, and the only choice I had was whether to do it or not. The court didn't care, my ex didn't care. So that is my rant. If we could all get published, I'm sure each father could and would right a book. Good on ya, Alec.

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A Promise to Ourselves

I wonder if Haley177 has had the children she loved and nurtured daily for years ripped from her and been unable to see them except through court ordered visits. When someone she once loved started rumors, downright lies about her. Something most people are unaware of is why would a mother do this to her children when there is no evidence of abuse of any kind.
An alienating parent is most likely to have mental illness issues. This makes sense: What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would force their child to choose between parents? What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would continue fighting when they have "won" full control of the child? What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would so abuse their child (because poisoning a child against the other parent is truly child abuse)that the child, himself/herself would have mental health issues to work out throughout her life.
Only a "Narcissist"
A narcissist cannot take any responsibility or blame for their actions. It is always the other persons fault. They project all their own unpleasant traits, behaviors or feeling by attributing them in an accusing way to someone else. When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours.
You can surely feel the pain that Alec Baldwin has endured all those years. To have someone you once loved and had a child with do what was done to Alec Baldwin is unconsciousable.
The "Phone call" was the only tangible evidence that could be latched onto and was used in a very abusive way to the child.

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A Promise Alec Kept - You Must Read this Book

Any man or woman who finds themselves in the same custody trap as Baldwin should have this book. He tells a very sad story about trying to be a father while the entire world seems (and in most cases is) against him, and it's the most readable and digestible treatment of the family court, custody battles, and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) I have read. To be balanced I do think Alec skips over some important ideas but it's amazing to me that he was able to get so much of his experience on paper.

It took a tremendous amount of courage to write this book. I honestly don't think many people could put themselves in Alec's position but I could and I completely understood (but do not condone in anyway) his "blow up" in the phone message he left for his daughter. It was a dumb thing to do that he will regret forever. I am positive thousands of such messages, even worse, have been recorded by mothers and fathers. But to have it radiated across the internet, on television, tabloids, magazines and so on has to be devastating. There is no question he loves his daughter unconditionally, but like any human being he has flaws, and his book shows he takes responsibility for them. However his flaws are now public in an indelible way. Think about this - thanks to search engines like the mighty Google and Amazon's Alexa - whatever you write or record on the internet will be there forever. When you are buried and your daughter is a mom her children will still find the recording. I don't think most people grasp these immense ramifications. And for that I detest the creep that started TMZ and the world of entertainment that preys on celebs. But I digress.

My point is if you find yourself caught in the bowels of the family court system this book is a must read. But let me warn you - having been though all this and come out the other side - his book missing something very important. There are concepts the book glides over I believe are incredibly necessary to understand. But so did every book I have read on the topic. The missing ingredient? There is nothing about how to survive, cope and endure the misfortune of being trapped in a custody struggle, there are no insights on how to maneuver and keep your sanity though a system so incorrigible you may wish to jump off a bridge (as he contemplated) or lash out (as he unfortunately followed through on).

And that is what men (or women) who find themselves in a similar situation need to learn about, know about, and be counseled in. In my entire 10 year ordeal there were only a few precious individuals that knew how to address this agony in a way that was constructive and helpful. It's such a tricky subject to give advice about because no one really has any answers.

If you jump to the Afterword of "A Promise to Ourselves" you will discover a very honest self appraisal (which wont' detract from reading the book). Alec berates himself for breaking 3 of the 4 promises he made: the first was to cherish his marriage until death; the second he would never let his divorce become his daughter's problem; the third was that he would never give up on his daughter (which he did for a brief period of time). But his fourth promise he kept, which was "to write a book that would help people better understand the terrible and unnecessary pain that the divorce industry inflicts on those people who have the bad fortune to enter that world." I believe he accomplishes that promise and I respect him for having the guts to follow though.

Okay now some of my criticisms, none of which significantly lower the value of the book. I think the way he presents PAS is misleading. The phase as created by Gardner means that one parent uses alienation as a tool to poison the child against the non custodial parent. In my experience and study it's not always as intentional as he makes it sound. PAS is a continuum which at one end is the deliberate and overt techniques he refers to but at the other end of the spectrum is parents who create alienation without even knowing it, who think they are doing something good for the child when in fact they are driving a wedge between the child and the co-parent. Take for example alienation by omission, where the custodial parent may be so upset that when the child brings up the co-parent they freeze up or change the subject. They may not be aware they are even doing it but this sends a clear message to the child that speaking about the co parent is not okay with mommy or daddy. Now we can play the blame game and say all parents should be self aware but in the toxic battle of custody self awareness is usually tossed out the window and replaced by paranoia.

Alec tries very hard to get the courts to see there was PAS at work with his daughter and yet most courts will not let the concept into their courtrooms. So I don't think harboring on it is going to really help men or women that much. PAS I think falls into the same category as lie detectors - you can't use it as evidence because it's not an exact science. Lie detector tests are inadmissible in most family courts because some people are skilled enough to fake there way thought them (although I have never seen any scientific evidence of this). PAS is not accepted by the APA as a "syndrome" perhaps because it's not something that can be as clearly demarked and classified as disorders such as Agoraphobia, Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome, Bulimia, Cocaine Dependence, etc. I guess I would rather Mr. Baldwin devoted more pages to neutralizing and defeating signs of PAS then complaining so often that he was a victim of it (and there is no doubt he was).

My other complaint is that he really rakes Kim across the coals, too much I think. There are times in the book when he seems to be presenting some of her virtues but the tone was to paint her as bordering on evil. I understand why he feels that way; I have had very similar thoughts about my child's mother, but now being at the other side of our protracted battle I don't feel it was all because of her we ended up as we did. Alec touches on what I believe is the real truth but he does not overtly spell it out, and that is both he and Kim were caught in a war not between them but between armies. The real battle was a war between armies of experts, attorneys, family therapists, child protective social workers, special masters, and a toxic court system which really encourages and condones the war rather than trying to neutralize it. He is absolutely correct that the system is a mess. But the armies were caught up as much in the battle as Alec was and so was Kim. He talks about how she would bring in a collection of professionals to the court room while he had only one attorney, and how this shows her weakness. What it really shows is how caught up she was, how fearful and trapped and scared she was. From my viewpoint Kim, Alec and Ireland are victims of a system that has failed miserably. And to be fair he does focus much of his book on this topic, I just think I would have edited down some of his vitriol.

Another curious aspect of the book is how it ends. It felt like an Editor at work here or maybe his coauthor (which by the way there is no acknowledgments about which was kind of confusing). The book has two endings. One is a list of 10 pieces of advice for people who find themselves in divorce or custody battle. I am not very impressed with the list; in fact some of it is just downright wrong. Like he says always get a prenup. I'm sorry but almost every state refuses to accept them. It's the state that has the final say on child custody and money, so it's a waste of time, UNLESS you are sure your partner is the kind of person that will not turn a break up into a battle (which is very hard to know ahead). But there are gems like find yourself a good family therapist just for you alone, for support. I would add that you need to make sure this person is really good and experienced. I found a wonderful woman to help me that was such a blessing, plus she was a brilliant, perceptive, intuitive and a published author.

The real curiosity to me was Alec's interview of Jeannie Suk, a law professor at Harvard Law School. She has published an article which you can buy in digital format here on Amazon: Criminal law comes home. (Criminal law applied to domestic violence): An article from: Yale Law Journal. The gist of the interview is about sexual subordination of woman and how the feminist movement has been able to move the law to protect woman from abuse. At the same time these changes in the law have removed the discretion that law enforcement officers once had so that it's extremely easy for a woman to claim abuse if a man throws an alarm clock on the ground in anger. I am not debating this issue I just could not figure out why it was included in the book. Perhaps it was to point out that the law now puts woman's interests ahead of men's and the disadvantages of that in a court battle?

Before this review turns into my own book let me leave this parting question for Alec. It's one I ask myself often. Knowing what he knows now, seeing clear enough the impact of this custody battle on himself and his daughter, then given a chance to play it all over what would he do differently? I am sure he will never answer that question but I think the kernel of the answer is on page 171. If you want to know what's on that page read the book.

PS The phase Parental Alienation Syndrome has been replaced by simply Child Alienation.

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?I have been through some of the worst of contentious divorce litigation,? Alec Baldwin declares in A Promise to Ourselves. Using a very personal approach, he offers practical guidance to help others avoid the anguish he has endured.

An Academy and Tony Award nominee and a 2007 recipient of Golden Globe, SAG, and Television Critics Association Awards for best actor in a comedy, Alec Baldwin is one of the best-known, most successful actors in the world. His relationship with Kim Basinger, the Academy Award?winning actress, lasted nearly a decade. They have a daughter named Ireland, and for a time, theirs seemed to be the model of a successful Hollywood marriage. But in 2000 they separated and in 2002 divorced. Their split---specifically the custody battle surrounding Ireland---would be the subject of media attention for years to come.

In his own life and others?, Baldwin has seen the heavy toll that divorce can take---psychologically, emotionally, and financially. He has been extensively involved in divorce litigation, and he has witnessed the way that noncustodial parents, especially fathers, are often forced to abandon hopes of equitable rights when it comes to their children. He makes a powerful case for reexamining and changing the way divorce and child custody is decided in this country and levels a scathing attack at what he calls the ?family law industry.?

When it comes to his experiences with judges, court-appointed therapists, and lawyers, Baldwin pulls no punches. He casts a light on his own divorce and the way the current family law system affected him, his ex-wife, and his daughter, as well as many other families. This is an important, informative, and deeply felt book on a contentious subject that offers hope of finding a better way.

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