Saving my marriage... | Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Good start but may wish to finsh elsewhere | Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love | Sue Johnson

books:


	• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Sue Johnson Little, Brown and Company, 2008 - 320 pages average customer review:based on 42 reviews view larger image
	for more information click here

highly recommended

Will Improve Your Marriage (If You Let It)

My wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs (and she is born in the Year of the Dog). At one long drawn out stage, it seemed an unspoken understanding between us that this was the nature of our relationship and we were resigned to it - some highs and many unsettling lows. Then I read 'Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves' by Terry Warner. That's one brilliant book - it changed a lot for me, not only how I perceived my relationship with her, but also with my kids.

Hold Me Tight illuminates for me more clearly how changing myself in relation to her dramatically changed our relationship. I needed to be more Accessible, Responsive and better Engage (I'm not going to spoil it for you or the author - you do need to read the book to get a good feel of what she means by each). Reading this book on it's own is plenty good, though I strongly recommend you read Bonds That Make Us Free as well.

My wife doesn't do personal growth books (or non-fiction in general) and didn't read either. The most interesting part is how her responses towards me changed, without any direction on my part i.e. I didn't tell or explain any of the theory or mechanics to her. She was simply reacting to my new ways of interacting with her, as if we'd started dancing to a much better, in-synched set of steps. Now it seems like we're doing almost all ups or plateaus, hardly any down time. Very nice.

Cas, author of Cassius Cheong's Positively Quit Manual

for more information click here

Saving my marriage...

Having gone through a particularly tumultuous time in our marriage, my husband and I were feeling stuck. Traditional marriage and family therapists had suggested we call it quits but I knew that there had to be a better way. "Hold Me Tight" was recommended as a way to look at relationships differently - through the lense of attachment and acceptance; safety and security. It is truly saving our relationship. I would highly recommend this to any couple who thinks that there is some hope for their relationship yet don't know where to turn.

Good start but may wish to finsh elsewhere

I recommend this book for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, or who have a tendency to devalue their marriage: I am glad I read a fair amount and got my husband to read just as much but we did get bogged down after a while and did not finish it. We scored incredibly low on the ARE questionnaire (0 and 2) at first which was rather discouraging but we have improved since then: remember that a low score is not just a reflection on the recipient but on the overall quality of the relationship and the giver's willingness to trust the recipient. (Another person may score you much higher.)

After having this book for 9 months (and still needing help) I purchased a different one: Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston: it finishes the job as far as I am concerned. Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). It gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight.

In Six Secrets, each chapter covers its subject thoroughly with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of difficulties. The organization allows you to skip to the areas of greatest concern as I did. Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful. It urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works.

The Six Secrets book not only helps one confront disrespect but also helps one to confront one's own character defects which may be leading to disrespect. The book gives a good list of such defects: I could easily see how I had played a role in my disrespect and how my spouse played a role in my disrepect of him. Seeing these causes spelled out made it much easier for me to address them.

I loved the following passage from Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side."

My only complaint is that Six Secrets lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't come up with such respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose.

Hold Me Tight might also help if there is some unresolved pain from the past but Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship may get to the same place more quickly. I do think that both books could cover gender differences more thoroughly, especially the differences in style when it comes to apologies, but I had already had those differences covered by a counselor and was very ready for these books which place far less emphasis on gender differences, my husband and I both probably have high testosterone levels, so chemistry wasn't a problem but fighting was. We are also reversed from the norm when it comes to focus vs. multitasking so the gender focused books did not have a great deal of appeal. I especially take issue with those which imply that women do not need respect as much as men.

Six Secrets shows that eventually disrespect will rebound on a spouse so if men do need more respect they had better not be dishing out disrespect. It divides up the respect issue fairly well between the sexes with examples of disrespect in both sexes and it was easy to see myself in the disrespected person's shoes regardless of gender. It could probably use a few more examples of women behaving badly in the trust department since that seems to be tilted against men but I'll admit that I haven't read the whole thing yet and in any case, it does cover the measures which may be needed to restore trust (while not guaranteeing its restoration).

for more information click here

Very Insightful Book

Unfortunately, I read this book after my marriage was too far gone. If I had read this book earlier, I am fairly convinced I would not only still be married but would be happily married. This book made me realize that while there are a lot of things that make a healthy and successful relationship, there is one thing that is at the top of the totem pole and it needs to be treated as such. I now feel prepared to have a fighting chance in future relationships.

Just ok...very long winded.

I completely agree with the review of Dr. John Laughlin. Instead of reading this book I found myself skimming most of it due to the long windedness throughout. I would prefer a self help book to be more "to the point".

for more information click here

Heralded by the New York Times and Time magazine as the couple therapy with the highest rate of success, Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it views the love relationship as an attachment bond. This idea, once controversial, is now supported by science, and has become widely popular among therapists around the world. In HOLD ME TIGHT, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship-from Recognizing the Demon Dialogue to Revisiting a Rocky Moment-and uses them as touchpoints for seven healing conversations. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and ensure a lifetime of love. (2008)

for more information click here